Did Bacon and Eggs Ever Even Love Each Other?
Breakfast's favorite couple reveals secrets.
**cue in music and boisterous audience clapping, fade in to no-one…**
no-one: Welcome to "When Breakfast Goes Bad", I'm your host, no-one, and we're here today with America's most famous breakfast couple. To my right, Bacon—(a tough-talking strip with a thick Bronx-like accent and street-smart attitude.) To my left, Eggs—(emotional, vulnerable, the sensitive heart of this partnership.)
**music and clapping fades, studio silent**
Let’s start with the obvious question: Bacon, Eggs - you’ve been together for nearly a century. But our producers tell us this relationship started as... a business arrangement?
BACON: leans back, gestures with hands Look pal, lemme tell ya somethin’ here, okay? I ain’ gonna sit here and pretend like it was some fairy tale romance or nutin’. You kiddin’ me? I was doin’ just fine on my own, capisce? Duh Romans?…Loved me!… An’ duh Chinese?…fugheddaboutit! Dey perfected me centuries ago. I had OPTIONS, you understand what I'm sayin'?
EGGS: voice cracking That's not how you told the story when we first met! You said we were meant to be together—that we completed each other!
**audience stirs**
BACON: waves hand dismissively Ay, come on with dat! Dat was marketing talk, sweetheart. Eddy Bernays wrote doze lines—I was just readin' duh script, you know whatta mean? Whaddya want from me?
no-one: Eddy Bernays? You mean… Edward Bernays? For our viewers who don't know…
BACON: interrupts Freud's nephew. Real smooth operator dis guy. He could sell ice to ES-kee-mos. Waay back 1920s, Beech-Nut Packing Company was losin’ cash left and right. Dey needed someone to make bacon sexy again.
EGGS: wiping away tears So you're telling me... everything we built... was a LIE?
BACON: slaps table Hey! Hey! It wasn't no lie, alright? It was... whaddyacallit…strategic positionin’! Biziness is biziness, ya understand? Dese guys needed ta move product, and I helped 'em out. So what?
no-one: Eggs, how does that make you feel now that you know the truth?
EGGS: Devastated! I thought we had something real! Every morning, people would crack me open, throw me in the pan next to Bacon, and I felt... complete. But now I find out Bacon was just using me to boost his image?
**audience stirs**
BACON: stands up, animated Whoa, whoa, whoa! Usin’ you? Are you outta your mind here? Look, maybe it started as bizness, but whaddya think happened after dat, huh? We made people HAPPY! We gave 'em comfort food! We became part of dare families! Dat ain' using nobody—Dat's partnership!
**audience claps loudly…then quiets…**
no-one: But there were...other…relationships? Our cameras caught both of you experimenting outside the traditional breakfast dynamic.
**audience gasps briefly..then silence**
BACON: sits back down, face palm Oh, here we go wit’ dis again...
EGGS: getting heated That was during our rough patch! Bacon was going through his "alternative lifestyle" phase—
BACON: interrupts loudly Doaaan’ make it sound dirty! A guy's gotta know what's out dare, right? Bacon ‘n’ marshmallows, bacon ‘n’ gummy bears—I was findin' myself!
**audience stirs**
EGGS: You were finding yourself wrapped around COTTON CANDY, Bacon! COTTON CANDY! Do you know how that made me feel? Like I wasn't sweet enough for you anymore!
**audience BOOS! at bacon**
BACON: throws hands up Cotton candy was ONE TIME! One time! And it was a mistake, okay? It was like eating sugar-coated cardboard! But you—oh, you—doan' think I didn't hear about your little adventures!
**audience boos at bacon again only louder more boisterous**
no-one: Raising voice Ok everyone calm down! Geez! Let’s continue…
…audience quiets…
no-one: back to hosting voice And Eggs, you weren't exactly faithful either. Our sources tell us you were seen with... checks notes...Skittles?
…audience gasps and oooos…
EGGS: sobbing I was trying to taste the rainbow, okay?! I felt so bland next to Bacon's adventures! So I tried everything—whipped cream, jerky, even... whispers orange soda.
…part of audience gasps in shock, some start laughing…
BACON: jumps up Orange soda?! You givin’ ME grief about cotton candy, and you out dare FIZZIN’ with citrus? What were you thinkin’?!
…audience continues to gasp and laughing gets louder…
BACON: gesturing annoyingly at audience YO! YO! YO! DAT AIN’ FUNNY!
**audience stops laughing, becomes quiet**
EGGS: defensive I was thinking maybe if I could be more exciting, more... bubbly... you'd notice me again!
BACON: softens slightly Ay... listen... you doan’ gotta be bubbly for me ta notice you, okay? You're perfect da way you are. A little runny sometimes, yeah, but perfect.
**audience aws for bacon, then quiet**
no-one: Despite all this drama, you two are still together. Still appearing on plates across America every morning. How do you make it work?
BACON: sits down Look, here’s da ting, okay? Maybe we doan’ make sense on paper. I'm greasy, she's... gooey. I'm crispy, she's wobbly. But somehow...
EGGS: nodding through tears Somehow we just... fit. Like that couple that argues constantly but you know they’re gonna make it.
BACON: gesturing Egg..sact..ly! We FIT. We gots chemistry, ya feel me? Reeel chemistry.
EGGS: smiles Yes! The salt, the protein, the way we sizzle together...
BACON: nodding It's like a beautiful ting, ya know? People wake up, dey see us together, ‘n’ feel... what's da word... comfort… home… Faam-ly.
**someone from audience yells “Yeah!!!” which is followed by loud claps…after about a minute, studio quiets**
no-one: So what's next for you two? Any plans for the future?
EGGS: We're going to work on ourselves. Individual therapy, couples counseling. We’ll learn to love each other for who we really are, not who the marketing department said we should be.
BACON: points at camera And hey, to all youse people out dare eatin’ breakfast tomorrow A.M.—when you crack dat egg next ta me in da pan, know dat we're givin’ you r best, okay? Not too runny, not too crisp. Juuus’ right. Dat's a promise from me too you.
**audience claps…then quiet**
no-one: Any final words for your fans out there?
EGGS: Just... know that every morning is a fresh start for us. Literally.
BACON: grins And if you see us hanging around wit’ pancakes or toast sometimes—fugheddaboutit! We're just expandin’ r social circle. But at de end of da day? We come home too each other.
**Bacon and eggs both get up from their chairs and give each other a hug and kiss while audience claps, hoots and yells rhythmically, “BACON AND EGGS!…BACON AND EGGS!”**
no-one: Well, there you have it, folks. Bacon and Eggs, a love story born in a boardroom, tested on the streets, and served fresh every morning. When we come back, we'll be joined by Peanut Butter and Jelly, who have some SHOCKING revelations about their sandwich dynasty...
[FADE TO COMMERCIAL]